Angry, angry, always angry

I’m angry at everyone and surrounded by nothing.

I woke up last night after only two hours of sleep because I was dreaming of an ex ripping up my environment with no regard for my comfort or safety. Upon waking my mind rode the theme into a tirade of arguments both pointless and frustrating. I was left to lie awake, drifting fitfully in and out of increasingly negative daydream scenarios, until the persistent sunlight out my window convinced me I should just get out of bed and try to start my day.

I was tired enough that I had to consciously dictate terse commands to my conscious mind to get the most mundane things done. Undress. Shower. Shave head. Scrub Feet. Pick Socks. Pick Underwear. Choose a shirt. For fuck sake get dressed. No, put water in the pot WITH the eggs before you turn on the burner.

It’s exactly the kind of day I’d dread going to work, taking mental bets on just how many stupid mistakes I would make.

Luckily (sarcasm) I’m unemployed so I was able to take a much needed nap in the afternoon. That didn’t stop my brain from dredging up yet more nightmare scenarios.

Late in the afternoon I convinced myself I needed some chicken in order to give myself an excuse to get out of the house. I stopped off at a coffee shop for an hour to do some reading then continued on to the grocery store. I picked up my chicken and then noticed they had my favorite orange juice on sale. Loading my backpack with a couple of heavy jugs of juice I began carrying my bags home. I took a slightly wide route home to pick up some Pokestops on the way, grabbing the inevitable Zubats and Drowsies on the way. I guess I’m going to have to be hunting much further afield if I want to find anything else. Maybe some night when I can’t sleep I’ll take a trip to Prince’s Island Park.

As I stopped at one of the popular corners, the one with four Pokestops within a dozen steps of each other, I noticed an ex’s boyfriend sitting nearby playing too. Although he was probably playing Ingress. He loves that game so much.

I resisted a very real urge to walk up and punch him and, instead, walked along pretending to not see him. I was extremely disappointed see him there. I had thought he had moved away from they neighborhood to move closer to her and I was grateful to see him go. I was just walking past his building yesterday and sought out his balcony to reassure myself he was really gone. Then he goes and shows up on my virtual doorstep, as it were.

I did comment to her, many, many months ago, that he’d be miserable out in the middle of nowhere without his precious game to play. But he moved out there anyway. I guess he’s found an excuse to come back into town.

I really just want him … all of them… to stay away. I really prefer being lonely to facing these people again.

I attempted to vent my anger at a Pokemon gym on the way home, trashing it twice, when the game decided my frustration was high enough to cause it to lock up. I frequently do this with complicated electronics. If I’m stressed or frustrated beyond a certain point there’s a good chance whatever app I need to use will freeze up and need to be restarted.

Arriving home I put my groceries away, changed out of my sweat soaked shirt, and crashed for another nap. No more bad dreams, this time, just rest. And now I’m drinking water and doing my best to keep my laptop from locking up.

Maybe I’ll go back out tonight when I’ve cooled off.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *